The Annoying Monkey

    A monkey walks into a baker's one afternoon. "How can I help you?" the baker asks, trying not to show his surprise at a monkey having just walked in. "Got any bananas?" the monkey asks. "No," says the baker, and the monkey leaves.


    Same time the next day, the monkey walks in again. "How can I help you?" asks the baker. "Got any bananas?" asks the monkey. "No," says the baker. "We don't. We're a baker's. We sell bread, not bananas." "Oh," says the monkey, and he leaves.

    Same time the next day, the monkey walks into the baker's. "How can I help you?" asks the baker. "Got any bananas?" asks the monkey. "Now, LOOK HERE!" says the baker, getting angry. "WE ARE A BAKER! WE DON'T SELL BANANAS! AND," the baker continues, "IF YOU COME IN HERE ASKING FOR BANANAS AGAIN, I SHALL NAIL YOUR TAIL TO THE FLOOR!" "Oh," says the monkey, and he leaves.

    The same time the next day, the monkey reenters the bakery. "HOW MAY I HELP YOU?" roars the baker. "Got any nails?" asks the monkey. "WHAT!? OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS!" replies the baker. "WE'RE A BAKERY! WE HAVE BREAD! WE DON'T HAVE NAILS!" "Ah," says the monkey. "Got any bananas?"

Yeah! I Got It

Ancient Technology

    After digging to a depth of 100 metres, Russian scientists discovered traces of copper wiring 1000 years old, and concluded their ancestors had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

    Not to be outdone, the Americans dug down 200 metres and found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, concluding their ancestors already had hi-tech telephone systems in operation 1000 years earlier than the Russians.

    A week later, a 500m dig in China uncovered absolutely nothing. From this, the Chinese concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already onto mobile phones.

All On Facebook

Anger and Exasperation

    A little girl who was working on her assignment came to her dad and asked, "Daddy, what's the difference between anger and exasperation?" The father replied subtly, "Well, it's mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you."

    He took his phone and dialed a random line, putting it on loud speaker so that his inquisitive daughter could actually listen and learn. A masculine voice was heard at the other end. "Hello," said the father. "Is John there?" "No," came the reply. "No-one called John resides here, and can't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?" The man hung up.

    "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now," he went on, "Watch now."
    He picked up the phone and dialed the same number again. "Hello, is John there?" he asked. "Now look here!" came the reply. "You just called this number and I told you no one called John lives here. Well, let me tell you something. NO-ONE CALLED JOHN LIVES HERE!" And with that, the receiver slammed down hard. 
The father turned to his daughter and said, "See, that was anger. Now I'll show you exasperation."

This is How To Pee

The Special Horse

    A man who had been lost in the desert for weeks found his way to the home of a missionary, and collapsed on the doorstep. The missionary nursed him back to life, and when the man was recovered, he asked the missionary for directions to the nearest town.
    The missionary said, "Sure," and gave him the directions. "Also," he said, "you can borrow my horse. There's two things though - it's a rather weird horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to get it to start, and 'Amen' to make it stop."
    All right, thought the man, and as he mounted the horse said, "Thank God," and the horse began to move off. Feeling confident, he said, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse broke into a trot.

Pinging Competition

The Damn Jar

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

"What happened?" says the doctor.

"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."

 The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?" "Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."

A Friend Indeed

Over-Speeding

A driver is pulled over by a police man.


Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?

Welcome To Sales

Funny Tips For Ladies

Perhaps you're trying to frustrate or annoy a guy in a conversation, you can try any of these tips. However, be careful about the use as you could get smacked


HE :Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
                                       SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

Eye Funnel; Right On Spot

More Dancing Trees

Hey! Kill the Knighted Fly On Your Screen

Seen You Somewhere...

Dancing Tree

Dumb Guy

Different Professions..Different Sports

Basketball is the favourite game of unemployed people or maintenance level workers.

Football is the favourite game of frontline workers.

Tennis is the favourite sport in middle management.

Golf is the favourite game of CEOs and executives.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you climb, the smaller your balls are.

An Idea of Being Above the Rest

Witty Old Woman

A witty old woman in her mid 60's went to a store to buy food for her dog.

When she  reached the counter to pay, the cashier told her he (cashier) needed evidence that she indeed had a dog because some old folks had been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she walked back to her near-by home to get her puppy, brought it to the store and then bought the dog food bought the dog food.

Five days later, she went to get food for her cat. Once again, the cashier demanded proof that the old woman actually had a cat. So she trekked back home again, got the cat, came back to buy the cat food.

Twelve days later, the old lady walked in the same store to buy 'pet food'. Again the cashier demanded proof but this time around, She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like poop!"

                                             The old lady replied, "Is that enough proof?"

How Could You..?

Hands Up!

Incredible Power

Name This Picture

At the Spa

Play Outside

What Happened In Mali?

A stout man drives to a saloon  in his BMW. He goes in, orders a drink, then leaves. His car is gone. He goes back to the saloon, and asks, "Where's my BMW?"

No one replies. So he says, "I'll order one more drink, and then if my BMW isn't outside, I'll have to do what i did in Mali and I don't like doing that because it's terrible."

So the locals hurry around, and when he leaves, his BMW is outside.

As the stranger gets in his car, the curious bartender asks, "What did you do in Mali?" to which the man whispers, "I had to walk home." Isn't that terrible?

Drunk

Very Stupid Questions

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

Today's Funny Illusion

Never Give Up

Sarcastic Answers Versus Stupid Questions

We now present to you the best answers for stupid questions. Feel free to add yours.


1. Someone calls you at 2a.m in the night and asks you "are you sleeping?"
 Answer: No, I'm cooking beans for lunch

2. When its raining and someone notices you going out yet they ask: are you going out in this rain??
... Answer: No in the next one
 
3. They see you coming out of the bathroom wet, they ask: did you just have a bath? 
Answer: no, i fell into the toilet bowl
 
4. You standing right in front of the elevator on the ground floor going to your office, yet they

Receiving A Call Please!

The Aroused Gorilla

A man and his wife were at the park. As they toured the arena, they passed in front of a gigantic gorilla. Observing the wife, the large creature started jumping in-around his cage. He jumped up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunted and pounded his chest.


The husband, finding this hilarious, suggested his wife tease the excited primate. The husband suggested she passionately rub her lips, wiggle her buttocks at the gorilla, and play along. She did all that, and the gorilla got even more excited,  making loud noises that could  revive the departed souls. Then, the husband again suggested that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to reveal a bit more flesh.

She did, and Mr. Gorilla nearly tore the Iron bars down. "Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him," says the man. She did that, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he started doing flips.

Then, the husband grabbed his wife, threw open the door to the cage, pushed her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now explain to Him that you have a headache, just the way you do to me in bed", the man muttered. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

Man With the 'Mozilla' Head

Rock and Rule

Heart here Doc.

Just Bear Stuff

Oh Yeah!

Stupid Quotes From Famous People

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

She Shall Pass

The Old Couple

A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and so forth. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.

While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call your wife those cute little pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

Wear Sunscreen

The Reluctant Police

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.


He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot all the sons of bitches ! ." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you’d shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

I'm Not Married

The Shark And The Atheist

There was an atheist swimming in the ocean. Suddenly he spots a shark and then he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he turns back he sees the shark coming towards him. His boat is quite far off and he starts swimming like mad. He's afraid to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"........

Funny Shoe Design

Avoid Stress

Under The Wagon

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon."

Where's the Head?