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Sunday, 16 December 2012
What should I major In?
Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Dept Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept Of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Dept Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept Of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
Saturday, 15 December 2012
Why... one liners
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Man's Best Friend
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"
"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!!!!"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"
"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!!!!"
X-rated parrot
A woman had a female parrot which kept saying: 'Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?'
She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, 'Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her.'
So, the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked, 'Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?' One male parrot looked at the other one and said, 'Put away the Bible, Fred, our prayers have been answered.'
She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, 'Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her.'
So, the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked, 'Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?' One male parrot looked at the other one and said, 'Put away the Bible, Fred, our prayers have been answered.'
You drink too much coffee when...
1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you.
2. You chew on your roommate's fingernails.
3. You can jump-start your car without cables.
4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
5. You can't remember your second cup.
6. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.
9. You don't sweat - you percolate.
10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.
2. You chew on your roommate's fingernails.
3. You can jump-start your car without cables.
4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
5. You can't remember your second cup.
6. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.
9. You don't sweat - you percolate.
10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.
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