The Wisdom of Age

An old farmer in Darwin had owned a large property for several years. 
He had a large dam in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, palm trees, and some avocado and mango trees.
The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. 
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the dam. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" 
The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked." Holding the bucket up he yelled, "I'm here to feed the crocodiles."

Awesome Engineering

The Bull of bulls

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

Horror For the Chickens

Quitting Nuns

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?"

The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."

So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time.

The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The nun replied, "I stole a kid's bike."

The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water."

When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!"

The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

Silence Please!

Three Mice in a Bar

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun.
I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away.

The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the heck are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to bully the cat.

Aren't You Scared of Me?

Three Old Sisters

Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs "was I getting into or out of the bath?"

The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

The 5-dimensional Life

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Time to turn off

It's time to turn off your computer when...

...you wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, but stop to check your email first.

...you name your children Eudora, Aol, and Dotcom.

...you spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

...you decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

...you start using smileys in your snail mail (if you even remember what that is).

...you find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

...you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

...you check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again.

...you don't know what gender your three closest friends are because they have neutral screen-names, and you never bothered to ask.

...you move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

...you tell the cab driver to take you to http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.

...you start tilting your head sideways to smile.