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Thursday, 13 December 2012
Win the lottery
A broke lady decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the lady doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the lady hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
Lottery night comes, but the lady doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the lady hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
Wish
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what will it be?"
The woman did not hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
"See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa."
"It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what will it be?"
The woman did not hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
"See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa."
"It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Word Scramble
When you rearrange the letters you get:
DORMITORY : : DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN : : BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION : : A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE : : HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES : : CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY : : IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW : : WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS : : ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT : : I ' M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES : : THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO : : TWELVE PLUS ONE
DORMITORY : : DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN : : BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION : : A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE : : HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES : : CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY : : IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW : : WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS : : ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT : : I ' M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES : : THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO : : TWELVE PLUS ONE
Yogi Berra quotes
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"Because it gets late early." (On why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
"It ain't over till it's over."
"It's deja vu all over again."
"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
"We have very deep depth!"
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"Because it gets late early." (On why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
"It ain't over till it's over."
"It's deja vu all over again."
"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
"We have very deep depth!"
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
You Do The Math
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Elephant
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo.
While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked the man.
"Oh yes." the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried "be gabbers,
He's right...Farty-two!"
While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked the man.
"Oh yes." the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried "be gabbers,
He's right...Farty-two!"
Change a lightbulb
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part."
"Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part."
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