That's Quite Heavy

Not A Stolen Car

 

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room... it wasn't there.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!! "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these."I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." :$
He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car."!!!

Credit --- [[ Christell Crause ]]

Teacher And Her 3 Students

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”

Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”
...
Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”
Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”

R.I.P 3310

The Exam

 

3 guys did not show up for their exams because they didn't read, so they came up with a plan. They got themselves very dirty using grease then went to see their Head of department.

"Sir we are sorry we couldn't make it for the exam. We attended wedding outside the state and on our way back the car broke down, you can see how dirty we are, it was due to efforts to fix the car.

The HOD said it was okay; he told them to come back in 3 days to resit the exam.

After 3 days they went to the HOD. They were very ready for the exam because this time they studied real hard.

The HOD put them in 3 separate classes.
There were only 4 questions on the exam paper.

1 Who was getting married ? (25mrks).

2 Where was the reception ? (25mrks).

3 What colour was the groom's suit ? (25mrks).

4 What type of car broke down ? (25mrks).

Good luck!!! Your answers should be the same....OR ELSE, YOU'LL SEE MY TRUE COLOURS!

Don't Be Deceived

Before and After Marriage

Before Marriage - - -

Boyfriend: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

Girlfriend: Do you want me to leave?

Boyfriend: NO! Don't even think about it.

Girlfriend: Do you love me?

Boyfriend: Of course! Over and over!

Girlfriend: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boyfriend: NO! Why are you even asking?

Girlfriend: Will you kiss me?

Boyfriend: Every chance I get!

Girlfriend: Will you hit me?

Boyfriend: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

No More Facebook

A Divorce Letter Wrongly Timed

From a husband to his wife:




Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching TV. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

-Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to Thailand together. We will have a great life!

CLICK  HERE TO READ THE WIFE'S REPLY...

Customer Vs Waiter...

Customer :Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter :Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Customer:Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter:Can't you tell the difference by taste?

Customer:No, I can't.
Waiter:Then does it really matter?
...
Customer:Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter:Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Customer:Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter:That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Customer:Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.

Customer :Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter :I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

Expectation Against Reality