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Interesting Facts About Women

1. A woman is such a school you'll never graduate from.
2. A woman is not like 'dettol advert', if you don't take care of her...others will.
3. Your wedding certificate with her is not a"driving license"; its just a"learners permit"!
4. It takes time for a woman to trust a man, its hard to change when she does, but if you mess it up, you might just forget it.
5. She can be a very bitter pill, and a very sweet angel, it all lies in your approach.
6. A woman hardly forget things; she remembers hurts more, avoid making her hurt.
7. A woman can be highly secretive..most times when they prove hard to men, they go to their closet and friends to cry!
8. All Women 'loves' to be begged. They love it more than they love men often!
9. When a woman is angry, over half of what she says- she doesn't mean them..
10. The most difficult time for a woman is when she is away from the man she loves.
What do you think? Share your thoughts on these facts....

Funny and Effective Security Tips For You

1) What should a woman do if she finds herself alone in d company of a strange male as she prepares to enter a lift in a high-rise apartment late @ night?
Experts Say: Enter the lift. If you need to reach the 13th floor, press all the buttons up to your destination. No one will attack you in a lift that stops on every floor.
2) What to do if a stranger tries to attack you when you are alone in your house, run into the kitchen.
Experts Say: You alone know where the chili powder and turmeric are kept.And where the knives and plates are. All these can be turned into deadly weapons. If nothing else, start throwing plates and utensils all over.
Let them break. Scream. Remember that noise is the greatest enemy of a molester. He does not want to be caught.
3} Taking a Taxi at Night.
Experts Say: Before getting into any vehicle at night, note its registration number. Then call your family or friend & pass on the details to them in the language the driver understands. Even if no one answers your call, pretend you are in a conversation. The

Selective Hearing

Women talk too much. That's why men have developed a superpower called SELECTIVE HEARING.


EXAMPLE:
When a woman says: "This house is a mess, Sweetie You and I need to clean this, Your stuff is all on the floor, You will be without clothes
If u don't wash them NOW."

Men only hear: "bla, bla, bla, HONEY YOU AND I, bla, bla, bla bla, bla, bla, ON THE FLOOR bla, bla, bla, WITHOUT CLOTHES
bla, bla, bla, NOW!

The Witty Doggy

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with... menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones
next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says
"woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey
witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes that he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..

Fired For Coke

Not An Avenger But A Pirate.....So Let's Keep The Fight Simple

Two Running Gas Men

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

Today's Illusion

Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings

One Question...Several Answers...Various Famous People

Simple Question: “Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?”


GEORGE W BUSH:

... We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either against us or for us.
There is no middle ground here.

BILL GATES:

I have just witnessed eChicken2012 which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR:

I have a dream... and envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Please read more after the cut..

That's Quite Heavy

Not A Stolen Car

 

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room... it wasn't there.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!! "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these."I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." :$
He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car."!!!

Credit --- [[ Christell Crause ]]

Teacher And Her 3 Students

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”

Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”
...
Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”
Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”

R.I.P 3310

The Exam

 

3 guys did not show up for their exams because they didn't read, so they came up with a plan. They got themselves very dirty using grease then went to see their Head of department.

"Sir we are sorry we couldn't make it for the exam. We attended wedding outside the state and on our way back the car broke down, you can see how dirty we are, it was due to efforts to fix the car.

The HOD said it was okay; he told them to come back in 3 days to resit the exam.

After 3 days they went to the HOD. They were very ready for the exam because this time they studied real hard.

The HOD put them in 3 separate classes.
There were only 4 questions on the exam paper.

1 Who was getting married ? (25mrks).

2 Where was the reception ? (25mrks).

3 What colour was the groom's suit ? (25mrks).

4 What type of car broke down ? (25mrks).

Good luck!!! Your answers should be the same....OR ELSE, YOU'LL SEE MY TRUE COLOURS!

Don't Be Deceived

Before and After Marriage

Before Marriage - - -

Boyfriend: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

Girlfriend: Do you want me to leave?

Boyfriend: NO! Don't even think about it.

Girlfriend: Do you love me?

Boyfriend: Of course! Over and over!

Girlfriend: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boyfriend: NO! Why are you even asking?

Girlfriend: Will you kiss me?

Boyfriend: Every chance I get!

Girlfriend: Will you hit me?

Boyfriend: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

No More Facebook

A Divorce Letter Wrongly Timed

From a husband to his wife:




Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching TV. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

-Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to Thailand together. We will have a great life!

CLICK  HERE TO READ THE WIFE'S REPLY...

Customer Vs Waiter...

Customer :Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter :Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Customer:Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter:Can't you tell the difference by taste?

Customer:No, I can't.
Waiter:Then does it really matter?
...
Customer:Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter:Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Customer:Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter:That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Customer:Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.

Customer :Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter :I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

Expectation Against Reality

Two Types Of Phone Conversations

TELEPHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN LADIES



Mary: Hello Love!
Sarah: Hello babes-how are you today?
Mary: Am fine dear, I've missed u a lot.

Sarah: And me too
Mary: I am calling just to inform you that I will pay you a visit this afternoon.

Sarah: Okay my dear; it will be a great pleasure to have you. I will be expecting you sweet.

*AFTER DROPPING THE CALL
Mary: I'm going to visit that dirty girl again.

Sarah: This witch is coming here again, she thinks I will buy her drinks with my money again, she must be joking.

TELEPHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN BOYS
John: Bastard how far?

Francis: Mad man I'm good? How your drunkard father?

Literal Expansion

The Meaning Of Panda

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, “Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, y...ou kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don’t understand.”

The panda says, “Look it up in the dictionary,” and walks out of the door.

So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading “Panda”. It reads:

“Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.”

Image courtesy:cartoondollemporium
text courtesy:.jokesduniya

Blind Beggar

 

Husband : Why did you give so much money to the beggar who was pretending to be blind?

Wife : Didn't you hear his good words to me?

Husband : No, what did he say?

... Wife : He said that I was so kind, so pretty and so young.

Husband : Oh, I see. He's really blind.

Dispenser Of Life